And that's how the fight started ...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

*********************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....

*********************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to ?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....

*********************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the
beer Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......

*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....

*********************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

==========================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many
Years Ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You Know How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

=====================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
First, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
You might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors said I might walk again, but I will always have a limp

Male & Female Perspectives Of Evolution

A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his..'

Lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.

She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"

A farmer in love

A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b**ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Wisdom of older women

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

Marriage

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After marriage....

Simply read from bottom to top.

About marriage

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
- Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?"
- Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
- Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
- Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
- Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
- James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn't."
- Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
- Anonymous

You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to.
- Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
- Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
- Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Anonymous

Cowboy

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Men

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders ... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials ... You can't believe all they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
12. Men are like Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Ha ha ha ... Men will stay like dat!!

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla immediately went crazy. He jumped on the bars and, holding on with one hand and 2 feet, he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously very excited by the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got extremely excited, now making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her dress straps fall to show a little more skin. She did ... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down!

"Now, show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips and charging the bars!

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla, slammed the cage door shut and said, "Now, tell him you have a headache AND U ARE NOT IN THE MOOD NOW."

What Generosity

Wife comes home early find her husband in bed with a strange woman.
She says, "That's it, I'm leaving & never coming back."
He says, "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation?"

She shrugs & says, "Fine, let's hear your story. This had better be good!"

He says, "Well, I'm driving along the street, when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy & crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home."

She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the silk blouse and slacks that I bought you 2 years ago that you wore once, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought & wore only twice. I gave her some of the roast beef in the fridge, that you never used. Then I showed her to the door.

She was so grateful for all these things, she thanked me profusely and as she was about to leave she turned around and asked me ...

"Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore????"

Wedding Anniversary

Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds - AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Rick has been missing since Friday. Please pray for him.

Response to Men are just happier people

One of my friends (and you can certainly guess whether he/she) sent me this in "response" to my earlier "Men are just happier people" post :)

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Okay I agree with this statement

Your last name stays put. (So can ours with a -)

The garage is all yours. ( have you SEEN my garage?)

Wedding plans take care of themselves.(yeah gotta love the wedding fairy)

Chocolate is just another snack. ( for us it's one of the four food groups)

You can be President. ( so can WE)

You can never be pregnant. ( but you can and DO suffer from PMS minus the bleeding!)

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. ( so can we, infact it often gets us to the front of the line)

Car mechanics tell you the truth. ( some of us work on our own cars)

The world is your urinal. ( that's just gross!)

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. ( that's because "The world is your urinal",,, gross)

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.(righty tighty lefty loosy)

Same work, more pay. ( I believe we make the same hourly wage MR.)

Wrinkles add character.(that's what we women tell you to your face)

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental- $100. ( handed down wedding dress from mom.$0)

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. ( HUH? LMAO)

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. (I noticed there is no comment about the OTHER gas explosive area)

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.(Men don't get blisters?)

One mood all the time. ( Yeah right!!!!!!!)

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.( this does NOT apply to teenaged males)

You know stuff about tanks. (you're welcome)

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. (because you men will wear the same outfit for a week straight unless we tell you that you stink)

You can open all your own jars.(never needed a man to do this for me)

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. ( because that is usally such a rare occurance)

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. (sometimes)

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. (.88 each at Walmart)

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. ( hence the foot odor)

You almost never have strap problems in public. ( yet you are constantly readjusting " things downstairs")

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.( because women Iron them for you)

Everything on your face stays its original color. ( yeah that grey beard and mustache... you were born with it)

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.(but we don't go bald)

You only have to shave your face and neck. (got us on that one)

You can play with toys all your life.( our "toys" have more speeds )

Your belly usually hides your big hips.(and what's between them)

One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. ( I thought 3 pair of shoes was enough)

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.( and we point and laugh at your white legs and black socks behind your backs)

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.(again... gross)

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.. (some more than others)

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.( and how we LOVE getting gas station gifts)

No wonder men are happier!! "What do you expect from such simple creatures"

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.