It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?''
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson (RIP) to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, 'I think it was the American people, November 4th,
2008".(recession)
Friday, September 18, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Shortest Story
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.
"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
(1) Religion
(2) Sexuality
(3) Mystery
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class.
"Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it."
And that's how the fight started ...
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to ?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the
beer Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
*********************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
==========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many
Years Ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
===========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You Know How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
=====================================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
First, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
You might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors said I might walk again, but I will always have a limp
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
*********************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we
were In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to ?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the
beer Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my Order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
*********************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
======================================================================
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
==========================================================
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many
Years Ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started....
===========================================================
I rear-ended a car this morning... So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You Know How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just
seem Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
=====================================================================
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
Kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
First, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
Busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
House. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
Her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
You might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors said I might walk again, but I will always have a limp
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Male & Female Perspectives Of Evolution
A little girl asked her mother: 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his..'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mum, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his..'
Monday, June 08, 2009
Lottery
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"
"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out"
Golfing
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went golfing.
AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN' T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.
4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.
5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.
6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.
7. IF YOU CAN' T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.
DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
Golf
Moses, Jesus, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up first, and hit a pretty good one right down the middle, but it comes up short of the stream in front of the green and looks like it's going to roll into the water. Of course, the waters part, and the ball rolls up on the green, 1 foot from the hole.
Jesus is next, and he smacks a pretty good one right down the middle, as well. It's only got a little more on it than Moses' shot, though, and it's heading right for the stream. It lands on the stream, and bounces and rolls on the top of the water, right up on the green and only 6 inches from the cup.
The old man's turn is next, and he swings a mighty swing, but the ball begins to slice to the right almost immediately. It hits a tree on the far right, and just as it hits the ground underneath, a squirrel runs up and grabs the ball in his mouth, and proceeds to take off across the fairway. Just then, an eagle spots the rodent from the sky above, and dives down and grabs the squirrel in it's talons. It begins to fly away, gaining altitude, but right out of the lone cloud in the sky comes a bolt of lightening that zaps that poor bird right in the tail feathers, promptly causing him to drop the squirrel from his clutches.
The squirrel falls to the ground next to the stream, and as he hits, the ball pops out of his mouth, bounces off a turtle's shell sunning by the stream, and rolls up onto the green and right into the cup.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, dad!"
Jesus is next, and he smacks a pretty good one right down the middle, as well. It's only got a little more on it than Moses' shot, though, and it's heading right for the stream. It lands on the stream, and bounces and rolls on the top of the water, right up on the green and only 6 inches from the cup.
The old man's turn is next, and he swings a mighty swing, but the ball begins to slice to the right almost immediately. It hits a tree on the far right, and just as it hits the ground underneath, a squirrel runs up and grabs the ball in his mouth, and proceeds to take off across the fairway. Just then, an eagle spots the rodent from the sky above, and dives down and grabs the squirrel in it's talons. It begins to fly away, gaining altitude, but right out of the lone cloud in the sky comes a bolt of lightening that zaps that poor bird right in the tail feathers, promptly causing him to drop the squirrel from his clutches.
The squirrel falls to the ground next to the stream, and as he hits, the ball pops out of his mouth, bounces off a turtle's shell sunning by the stream, and rolls up onto the green and right into the cup.
Jesus turns to the old man and says, "Nice shot, dad!"
Not your typical blonde joke
A beautiful blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude.'
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed 'YES YES, I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are honest. Not all blondes are dumb. But all men are men
A farmer in love
A guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says,
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b**ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b**ch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
A little known fact ...
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874, and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.
Wisdom of older women
After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.’
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.
Funny Church "Sayings"
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .
------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------ ----
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladie's Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
------------------------------------------------
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------------------------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
------------------------------------------------
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
------------------------------------------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------------------------------------------
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
------------------------------------------------
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you .
------------------------------------------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
------------------------------------------------
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
------------------------------------------------
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing, 'Break Forth Into Joy.'
------------------------------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
-------------------------------------------------
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
-------------------------------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
------------------------------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
------------------------------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------------------------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered .
------------------------------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
------------------------------------------ ----
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. - prayer and medication to follow.
-----------------------------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
-----------------------------------------------
This evening at 7 p.m. there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
------------------------------------------------
Ladie's Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 a.m. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
------------------------------------------------
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.
------------------------------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
---------------------------------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
---------------------------------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
Friday, February 27, 2009
And then the fight started
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive...
So, I took her to a gas station..
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my
wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'
'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Naaah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look
old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started..... .
*************************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Kingfisher for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And then the fight started....
*************************************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************************
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed.. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always
something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. 'When
you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
And then the fight started...
*************************************************************************************
$20 goes a long way...Just keep your mouth shut
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly
aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30
years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new
clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband
in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and
he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which
were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had 'charged' him for sex, and these were the
results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak. Finally he found
his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I
would have had sex only with you.'
That's when she shot him.
A trip to the fortuneteller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a
fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.
fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went
inside and sat down.
"Ah...." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you
are the father of two children."
"Hah, what a scam you fortune tellers are," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of *three* children."
The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think..."
Need a day off? Here are some excuses you can use...
If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
told me to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I
can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back
an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum
loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit
the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly
e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the
snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss,
who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? I have a rare case of
48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at Wal-Mart.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey,
how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help
you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
Stimulus Q & A
This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This is
a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
a very exciting new program that I will explain using the Q and A format:
Q. "What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?"
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. "Where will the government get this money?"
A. From taxpayers.
Q. "So the government is giving me back my own money?"
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. "What is the purpose of this payment?"
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. "But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? "
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by
spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras ,
and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan.
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan . And none of it will
help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. You can keep the money in
America by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend
it on prostitutes, beer (domestic ONLY), or tattoos, since those are the
only businesses still in the US.
Military Time
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college.
by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?'
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.'
Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don' t take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, 'I hope not; it's only 2130 now.'
Still Salty
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then,
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish.
They ask him, "Excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies, "If you just go down the stream until the
water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."
They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says
to the other, "Fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is
salty."
He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty."
30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. "Nope, still salty."
One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."
"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for
almost two hours and the water is still salty."
"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty."
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Man, beer, bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and
sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down
and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the
monkey.
sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down
and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the
monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the
piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you
know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum
it, I'll play it."
3 engineers and more
An electrical engineer, a structural engineer and a civil engineer were walking along discussing religion.
The electrical engineer said "I believe God must've been an electrical engineer. Just look at the incredible complexity of our nervous system and brain".
The structural engineer thought for a moment and responded "I think he was surely a structural engineer. Look at how marvelously engineered the bones and muscles are and how flexible and strong the body is!".
"Nah!" said the Civil Engineer, "he was definitely a civil engineer. Who else would've put a sewer line in right next to a recreational area?"
********
A mathematician sees one person enter an empty building and two come out. He says “Great…one more in and the building will be empty again.”
********
A mathematician is asked to design a table. He first designs a table with no legs. Then he designs a table with infinitely many legs. He spends the rest of his life generalizing the results for the table with N legs (where N is not necessarily a natural number).
********
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm", says the physician, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".
"No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
*******
A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catcheson fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
*******
The electrical engineer said "I believe God must've been an electrical engineer. Just look at the incredible complexity of our nervous system and brain".
The structural engineer thought for a moment and responded "I think he was surely a structural engineer. Look at how marvelously engineered the bones and muscles are and how flexible and strong the body is!".
"Nah!" said the Civil Engineer, "he was definitely a civil engineer. Who else would've put a sewer line in right next to a recreational area?"
********
A mathematician sees one person enter an empty building and two come out. He says “Great…one more in and the building will be empty again.”
********
A mathematician is asked to design a table. He first designs a table with no legs. Then he designs a table with infinitely many legs. He spends the rest of his life generalizing the results for the table with N legs (where N is not necessarily a natural number).
********
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha", says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm", says the physician, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black".
"No", says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
*******
A physicist and a mathematician are sitting in a faculty lounge. Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a bucket and leaps towards the sink, filled the bucket with water and puts out the fire. Second day, the same two sit in the same lounge. Again, the coffee machine catcheson fire. This time, the mathematician stands up, got a bucket, hands the bucket to the physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
*******
Important Announcement....
Due to recent economic reversals and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the 'light at the end of the tunnel' has been turned off.
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
Your Government
We apologize for the inconvenience.
Sincerely,
Your Government
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Blonde Millionaire
A contestant on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million dollar question was no pushover.
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) The condor
B) The buzzard
C) The cuckoo
D) The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her "Ask the Audience' Lifeline. All that remained was her 'Phone a-Friend' Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well--blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly. 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. 'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is....absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Becky, I just do not know how to thank you,' gushed the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
It was, 'Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it:
A) The condor
B) The buzzard
C) The cuckoo
D) The vulture
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her "Ask the Audience' Lifeline. All that remained was her 'Phone a-Friend' Lifeline. She hoped she would not have to use it because ... her friend was, well--blonde.
But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly. 'That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo.'
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Meredith any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. 'I need an answer,' said Meredith.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, 'C: The cuckoo.'
'Is that your final answer?'
'Yes, that is my final answer.'
And Meredith replied, 'That answer is....absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!'
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. 'Becky, I just do not know how to thank you,' gushed the contestant. 'How did you happen to know the right answer?'
'Oh, come on,' said the blonde... 'Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks.'
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