1. I say no to alcohol, It just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way You're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, Taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, Some just don't have film..
9. Life is unsure; Always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, You'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, They are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... What I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, Why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, Are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, Leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, Confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, So, I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.
24. The cigarette does the smoking, You are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, Someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, To forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, But, if you think again, neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, You first need to prove that you don't need it.
And my favorite ...
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.