*I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"... She hit me.
*I live in my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.
*I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
*I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
*There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.
*I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
*How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
*If they want everyone to vote there should be an added choice NONE OF THE ABOVE.
*Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
*Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
*Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
*I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
*Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
*Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet
*If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
*Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
*Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.