Monday, March 01, 2004

We'll have nun of that!

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a neighborhood
pub. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a
while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the
place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun,
the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom?"

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."

"Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private
part is covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and
she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out,
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However,
they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did
they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you
like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that
drink?”

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A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed
has to be taken for the rest of my life"?

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is
marked, NO REFILLS."

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A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner,
her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father
invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Bible scholar," he replies.

"A Bible scholar. Hmm..." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed
to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "...and God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is
.... he thinks I'm God!"

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Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come in today. My doctor says I
suffer from Anal Glaucoma."

Boss........"Anal Glaucoma? What's that?"

Employee...."I just can't see my ass coming to work!"

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Some airlines try to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and
announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that
have been heard or reported:


A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said
that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking
with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why,
no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did
we land, or were we shot down?"

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
of this airplane"

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault , it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

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