Thursday, March 18, 2004

Luck O' The Irish

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him,

"Hello! Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes!

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorrah! Is that good!"

And, how long has it been since you've had a sip of whisky?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Its been o'er ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig, sighs heavily and says, "Mother Macree! 'Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point, she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man, and asks him , "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Saints pr'sarve us! Don't tell me you've got *golf clubs* in there, too?"

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Q: What do you call an Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls?
A: Rick O'Shea

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Seamus lay dying in his bed. In death's final agony, as he started to slip away, he suddenly smelled the aroma of hot cooked soda bread wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs defying the pull of the Banshee. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing in the kitchen. Were it not for the immense pain caused by his extreme exertions, he would have thought himself already in heaven for there spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were a couple of steaming hot soda breads and a tub of "Kerrygold Butter". Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, with tears in his eyes, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the bread and butter was already mentally in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. He felt renewed strength pulsate through his body. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the butter knife at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife......

"Bugger off, " she said, "they're for the funeral."

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Sibling Marriage:

Maria a beautiful girl fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you are not related to Papa."

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An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! 'Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor."

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clot! hes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?", asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided was not good?"

"No, no, no, doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But, sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

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