Thursday, August 28, 2008

Scenario:

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the
lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You
are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work
clothes on. You know, the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old
T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis
shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you
realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the
job .

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the
mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never
know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout
lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change
shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your
hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got
it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute
girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school
with.

In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a
hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so
you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself
in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing
running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking
she is spicy.

In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new
sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that
shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have
it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer
Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog shit off
your shoes The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope
you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The
girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on
so you are not sure.

In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your
prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog shit on your shoes.
The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of
her grandfather.

In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you
remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around
trying to think what the hell it is you are looking for. Fart out loud
and you think you heard someone called out your name. You went to school
with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

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