Saturday, December 10, 2005

Words of wisdom ...

The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.

Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married

Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

The secret of a successful marriage is incompatability. He has the income, you have the patability.

When a husband's words are sharp, it may be from trying to get them in edgeways.

My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.

If Love is Blind and Marriage is an Institution, then Marriage is an Institution for the Blind.

The difference between a girlfriend and a wife is about 100 pounds.

Marriage,five minutes to get in and a lifetime to get out of.

A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like they've only been married for 5 minutes the wife says thats so sweet and he says yeah 5 minutes under water.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in.

A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't".

The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage!

"I Will" is the shortest sentence in the english language..."I Do" is the longest

The secret to successful investing for retirement is to keep your first wife!!!

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find
such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!"

"I bought my ex a gift for her birthday, but she didn't use it so I'm not going to get her another." "What did you get her?" " A cemetary plot!"

Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married"

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."

Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff

Marriage is like a cold; you come down with one; you get better; and you hope you never get another

Ex-es, Can't live with them, can't leave the court house with them.

"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."

The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence.

I didn't get married until I was 37. By then I had done all the things I wanted to do, seen all the things I wanted to see, been to all the places I wished to visit. But I didn't know what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late!

The differance between Saddam Hussein & your Ex? By comparison, Saddam's demands are very, very fair!

Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, have a much better diet stop drinking, smoking. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market.Now I want a divorce, because I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough or me.

Marriage is the only war which you sleep with the enemy.

The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!

A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies.

Marriage is a great institution, but only if you like being institutionalized

Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass, results in an enormous bill, and men will always think they have something great to show for it when they get to keep the worthless stone.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met.

What did the co-dependent wife say to her husband when she woke up in the morning? How am I going to feel today?

One woman says to another, "Isn't your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other woman replies, "Why, yes, it is. I married the wrong man"!

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes dear, but I was in love and didn't notice".

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire."

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

An ex-spouse is like an inflamed appendix,. they cause a lot of pain and suffering, but after it's removed you find you didn't need it anyway!

Whenever I date a guy I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I think - therefore I'm single

I never married because there was no need. I have 3 pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

My wife ran off with my best friend and I really miss him.

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to!

Statistics show that married men live longer than single men, but they are more willing to die

I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage, the leading cause of divorce.Alimony, a Latin term for removing a man's wallet through his genitals.

When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they don't understand one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Marriage is grand and divorce is about 10 grand.

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. - A conversation between Lady Astor and Winston Churchill

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I still miss my ex-wife....but my aim is getting better.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

She was a great housekeeper, too. When we divorced, she kept the house.

Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked. "Oh, no, not divorce," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce."

Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer.

Scientist have discovered a food to diminish a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called Wedding Cake.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?" The Manager replied, "Which one? We have 'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95 ....'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ....and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00". "Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95"? Dad asked surprised. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.

Marriage is great, but I wouldn't recommend it to single people.