1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
5. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
6. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.
7. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
8. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
9. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
10. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
11. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
12. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
13. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance
14. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
15. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
16. Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
17. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
18. I smile! Because I don't know what the hell is going on.
19. The only road to success is always under construction.
20. The solution to a problem changes the problem.
21. The wise learn more from fools than fools from the wise. Wise men learn much from fools. Wise guys don't.
22. We make our own misfortunes and call them our fate.
23. What is learned in youth is understood in age.