How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, and Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me,"What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust."
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said to her,"I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said. "God, I wish I had your will power."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Found @ http://www.heartsncards.com/for/menvswomen.shtml