Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean,
"You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
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Pat & Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before the morning break, Pat yelled "Mick, I've lost me finger!"
"Have you now," said Mick. "And how did you do it?"
Pat replied "I just touched this big, shiny spinning thing here like this...damn! There goes another one!"
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Mahoney said to his friend McMaken, "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!"
"Tis a good thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" responded McMaken.
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An Irishman who had a little to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pull him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course", slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening".
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda,... Your husband Shamus is dead and gone.I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda,... He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well,... no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
"She says, "Aye, That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
She says,... "He said, 'Please, Mary,... put down that damn gun..
