In the restroom at the airport :
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall
saying: "Hi, how are you?"
I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom
but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this
is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I
hear another question. "Can I come over?"
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could
just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a
little busy right now!!!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other
stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"
*************************************************************************
Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell
his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.
Bobby's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Bobby to reflect on his
behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Bobby, and think about
how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him
why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God
a letter.
Letter 1
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
Letter 2
Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would
like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you.
Your friend Bobby
Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and
started again.
Letter 3
Dear God,
I have been an "OK "boy this year. I still would really like a bike for
my birthday.
Bobby
Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote
a fourth letter.
Letter 4
God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Bobby
Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom
that he wanted to go to church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had
worked, as Bobby looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner,"
Bobby's mother told him.
Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby
went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if
anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin
Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church,
down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to
his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Bobby began to
write his letter to God.
Letter 5
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE!
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO
***********************************************************************
Seems God was just about done with creating the universe but he had two
extra things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between
Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would
allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God
told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you would like that."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged "Oh, give that to me! I'd love
to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be
able to do. Please. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me." On and on he went
like an excited little boy.
So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly,
he should have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee
while standing up and he was so excited. He whizzed on the bark of a
tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with
delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, "Well,
here's the other thing and I guess you can have it." "What's it called?
Eve asked.
"Brains" God said.
************************************************************************
Old Farmer
An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed
up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't
been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he
heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping
in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep
end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
or make you get out of the pond naked."
"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every
time.
***********************************************************************
Redneck Vacation
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob
tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few
years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said
to go to Hawaii.
I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you
told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last
year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn't get pregnant
again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's
different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earline with me."
********************************************************************
At Any Drugstore
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home,
having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of
the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and
put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she
wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of
strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very
delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
************************************************************************
Father - Daughter Talk
A young woman was about to finish her first year of college.
Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal
Democrat and had grown to be in strong favor for the distribution of all
wealth in America.
She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch
conservative which she expressed openly.
One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition
to higher taxes on the rich & more welfare programs.
In the middle of her heart felt diatribe based upon the lectures she had
from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked
her point blank, how she was doing in school.
She answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know
that it was tough to maintain.
That she had to study all the time, never had time to go out and party
like other people she knew.
She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't really have many
college friends because of spending all her time studying.
That she was taking a more difficult curriculum.
Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary."
She replied, "Mary is barely getting by," she continued, "all she has is
barely a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she
never studies."
But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very
popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the
parties all the time and very often doesn't even show up for classes
because she is too hung over."
Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's
office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her
friend who only had a 2.0?" He continued, "That way you will both have a
3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair equal distribution of GPA."
The daughter visibly shocked by the fathers suggestion angrily fired
back, "That wouldn't be fair! I worked really hard for mine, I did
without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked
real hard!"
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
************************************************************************
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman for
the last three weekends."
Father Donavon asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
"Yes, Father, 'tis I."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her
reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say father, please."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Brydie Sharon?"
"I'm sorry, but I will not name her."
"Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed, Father."
"Was it Fiona McDonald then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy
Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and now you must
atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"
"Three month's vacation and five good leads."
************************************************************************
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the
second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to
ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
************************************************************************
